This is a complete ramble of where I am right now…it’s real, it’s truth…it’s a part of my journey!
(this is just the space I’m using to tell it how it is, even if it doesn’t make sense)
Today…November 30, 2010…
I could use the following words to describe how I feel: frustrated, overwhelmed, unsure…
Let me share an original poem, I think I wrote it Freshman year:
The Emptiness of Heaviness
Seeking substance in hollow places. Searching for a sense of release from the emptiness of heaviness. Trying to test the test, to pass the anxiety to find sweet relief. Learning about life from lessons taught through my own mistakes, I’m full of it- the fear in facing “IT.”
This is my story. I’m lost in my search of feeling complete, but I know what fulfills me. I fear the faces of what is fixed on my fate; I cringe at the thought of caring more than the heaviness that overwhelms me. Never directly inflicted; however, I’ve found the pain to leave me empty in this heaviness. A heaviness that harbors the hell feelings, the heaviness that hates the renewal I need, a heaviness that consumes me. Even in this, I’m EMPTY.
For today I’m smiling because the emptiness is slowly capturing the heaviness. I’m anticipating the empty to empower me. Sounds strange? Once I rid myself of the heaviness-the emptiness can be filled! Filled with faith, favor, fight, and fire that will compensate me for ever feeling afraid. Being filled will force me to figure out my future, to face “IT”-for my foes to be faithful, my fears to be famished. WHOA…In fulfillment I WILL face it and my fear will fall victim to fear itself to finish its fate. Fear is my heaviness. I carry it. I wear it proudly because I know that it is preparing me to face my future.
MY FUTURE…Where do I fit in? I fit in where I can figure this all out. I fit in in faith and I fit in in favor. I fit in in financial blessings. I fit in where I find fulfillment-MY FUTURE, I fit in well there. It’s the process of getting there that fights with my frustrations and preparation…but I still stand. I still AM. I still have a desire to be consumed by what fulfills me. Father, thank you for finding me empty but filling me until I want no more. The emptiness of heaviness-the entrance of happiness; surpass it and fulfillment will find you….It has found me.
I wrote this piece at the beginning of this feeling of not wanting to be in school. I didn’t realize it then, but as I re-read my own piece about ‘…surpass it and fulfillment will find you….It has found me,’ that I’m still not happy. I don’t even know if I could identify how I feel or what I’m going through as a struggle because I’m not even trying. I’m angry with myself because I know what I’m capable of and have the ability to do but I’m not applying those qualities at all. I’ll say it, I’m a sorry student…The thing that really gets me about this, though, is that I’ve begun not to care. I’m affected by it because “who likes to fail?” but I really have no desire to stay.
I’m conflicted and confused…I want an undergraduate degree but it doesn’t seem like I want it bad enough. Perhaps, this is a crossroads. It’s interesting. I’ve gone to a psychologist before and he told me to stop beating myself up about not doing better. He told me to put myself on the list-I had an assignment to write a list of the 5 most important people or relationships or things in my life (or something like that, it was a while ago) and I made that list without my name on it several times. He wanted me to establish some type of order/structure in my life but I don’t think it worked. Logically, I got it. I understood it…but I couldn’t understand the significance of it at the time. I’m beginning to wonder-what good does talking do? If the result isn’t change, than what use was it to talk-I’ve heard it said ‘talk is cheap!’ I still talk though, not to a psychologist but I’ve talked to several mentors. Anyways, don’t get me wrong. I think that I’m a great person, I appreciate my life and who I am becoming. I was once asked, “how do you affirm yourself?” The answer to that question may not be ‘healthy’ but I affirm myself by affirming others. I love myself because even as I struggle I can offer a listening ear to others. Sure, I think that everything will be alright with me and I encourage myself. However, lately encouragement isn’t helping me change. Being assured of my potential isn’t a catapulting place for me to prosper. It hurts to think that I assumed that this was all about school/academics.
I feel like such a disappointment to God. I feel like, still, He hasn’t deserted me. I wonder, how can I still be there for others and can’t change my actions or feelings. I don’t feel alone at all. I have THE greatest support in the world. I have so many people in my corner. I don’t think that I’ve tried to keep my struggle a secret. I think that I’ve tried and that I am trying to be real, honest and open. I pray for others and I find it difficult to pray for myself because it’s not even like I’m trying to do better or change. I know what I’m doing (or not doing) is wrong but I can’t force myself to change. I’ve tried to think about different approaches to just get through and finish my undergrad experience but nothing is working. Tears upon tears, I did pray for myself but the love that I felt I guess just reassured me that I was forgiven because I could only cry and say I’m so sorry. I think I released my hurt from feeling like a disappointment but now…
I’ve become so removed mentally from school. I’m just taking up space now. Failing…I’m just a big mess right now. I began to wonder if direction is essential to making this thing work. I haven’t sought direction from God or myself. What do I want to do with my life? What will I pursue later on? My best intentions aren’t enough. Let me try to explain how I feel right now. I feel like I am miserable, and I don’t use that word often or lightly. I’ve been trying to force myself to enjoy school and I can’t. I’ve tried to be interested and just do the work to get that diploma but I can’t. I feel like I should be passionate about what I’m studying, like I should enjoy it. I should be excited about getting up and going to class but I’m not. I dread it. It’s so weird. It’s like living a lie. Like I want to do well but I’m not and I know why I’m not but I don’t know why. I don’t care about what I’m being taught and the classes where I was interested, I just stopped caring or trying. I feel like this is so detrimental. I don’t feel like I should quit, ideally. But, staying here and doing nothing is wearing me out. I feel useless, I haven’t produced anything, accomplished anything. I see my friends getting ready to graduate and I’m like that is so great! I’m not a hater. I used to say ‘I wish that was my story’ but now I just want to know what this time in my journey means. Sounds like I’ve given up. I’m just not certain on why I’m here (at school) and I thought I had gotten over that once I chose my majors but I’m thinking direction is essential and the lack of that, well is why I’m dealing with my present frustration.
I’m conflicted because I could’ve given up a long time ago. I could quit right now. I just want to have reason in my pursuit. I want to have a goal, something to strive for. Let me back up and say although it doesn’t sound like it, I really am interested in my chosen majors: English & Religion. I’m just questioning why it doesn’t seem like enough to keep me here. I wonder if I would’ve sought direction before or was sure about what I want to do if this struggle would be a part of my testimony. I’m wading through this water. Whenever I graduate I will look back on this and say—“with God I’ve made it over.”
My prayer is that God would keep me in His hands. I thank God for what I will be.
* I was just really tired of typing, I may come back and revise and edit this…
The Truth Shall Set You…even if this isn’t necessarily freeing me, I hope that it can push others to freedom from whatever binds them and just help others to be real about what they are going through because even if change doesn’t come from it release is still worth it. Thank you for checking out my ramble…