So, to start…God, I believe, saved me from death. No scripture is needed. I was born premature at 1lb & 6ounces (3 1/2 months early) and I’m alive 21 years later, that’s real to me. Life isn’t guaranteed but for whatever reason, God has kept me here. I’m here and I try to live in gratefulness for my life and for being kept by God’s love. Growing up, and even now I struggle with anger and I don’t think there is anything wrong with being angry but what becomes of one’s behavior as a result is sometimes detrimental to him/her and those around him/her. I’ve tried not to act out of my anger and God is still working on me with that, everyday. I think more than ever my struggle (at the moment)…school…I put forth no effort and I lack motivation. I think this has been through all of my undergrad experience. I haven’t been happy in a long time but even as I struggle and make terrible decisions and even dishonor God, through it all, still loves me and that is hurt and healing. Why would God continue to love me and allow me to live when I’m not trying to grow or do better? I’m convinced that I’m still here on this earth to do something beyond what I’m in right now. Struggling is alright, I think the strength comes from overcoming. As I struggle I keep my smile and my joy because this is not the end for me. There is more to my testimony and I’m grabbing scraps of paper–taking notes–so when I get through I can tell my testimony. I can tell my story. These are the chapters I live in now and I’m grateful for this time because I am not alone. God has kept me and has stayed with me and for THIS I am grateful. Please call it what you will, I call it trust and being faithful whilst I stumble and fall. I call it living in God’s grace and pardon through my belief of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. I call it my safety. I call it my story. God is everything and more to me. God is revealing some things that I’ve neglected to deal with in my life emotionally and is breaking down somethings to build up others in their places. God is taking me through my own time of RECONSTRUCTION. God is changing my heart and while it doesn’t feel God to be broken down, I’m grateful because it’s easier than waiting for the foundation to buckle. IF God tears it down, God will restore it. If I wait for me to simply fall apart it would be more difficult to build up because apparently my foundation was in need of restoration. Isn’t God good?! That is my testimony. Even in my mess, God still ministers and moves beyond how I feel.
God, I thank you for being with me. I thank you for loving me even when I’ve hated myself for being a disappointment to you or at least feeling like one. Thank you for allowing me to live out my love for you. I try to keep silent but you’ve provided a way for me to share, even in my verbal silence. Thank you for everyone in my life and what you are doing in their hearts and minds even now. My faith is the salvation of the lost and I am grateful for your might and power to change and save men & women. You are truth and I pray that the lies that this generation has lived in will be revealed and that we would share our stories of truth when we’ve found them. Help us, to take off the masks and facades and stop pretending – this is real life and the only way we can deal with the real things – be it pain, joy, grace, depression, sin, etc. is we have to acknowledge that which we’ve kept hidden and deal with it. You know what needs to be torn down and re-built, I pray that you would work on our hearts to accept change in our lives. We are tired (I can’t speak for everyone), so, I am tired of living routine and tailored made testimonies and shouts and tears and release. I want the real things. I want to experience you like never before. I want to feel you like never before. Come and take hold of what’s hidden and help us heal from the lies we’ve been telling through our lifestyles. There is more to life than what we’ve been pretending in. There is more to life than what we’ve grown accustomed to. (We) I need you. I need you and I thank you for hearing my prayer and opening my eyes to truth and triumph. Help us to be there for one another in LOVE. Amen.