Where I am…(Random Ramble)

This is a random spill of my current feelings, I haven’t read it over so it is most likely jumbled but…here it is! Personal Statement but not for any applications…it’s just personal…well it’s public now =) Right now, I have no desire to go to graduate school but writing usually helps me to make sense of my feelings. As a young child, writing  was my way of hearing my voice, even as I often remained silent about how I felt. My writing frustrates and encourages me because it isn’t fluid. I love it because it allows me to choose how to express myself – I have a steadily slipping control. My feelings dictate my writing and so its often, never consistent and that makes me feel like I cease to exist, as I am seemingly incapable to feel if I haven’t written it down. Written expression allows me to…What do I write? *my thoughts about scripture*things I don’t understand*poetry (on relationships, God, struggle, etc.) I write to be in conversation with others. Sometimes, I write just to clear my mind but, mostly, I am writing for relationship with others who have and share my feelings. Speaking? I’m not quite sure why, but I feel like writing is more powerful – it’s a way to connect with one’s self and the story of someone else. When someone speaks, another can relate but the person is primarily hearing them. When you read, you connect ideas and relate to the the expression because, perhaps, that’s how you felt but you remained silent about it – reading it makes an awareness of feelings that had possible escaped you in your silence. I don’t write novels or non-fiction or sonnets or in haiku – it’s too much order and structure to that – I write feeling; and what’s more real than that?

I write this blog and I write poetry. Passion? Listening. I want people to be heard, I want their voice to be embraced. Trusting enough to tell isn’t easy and I think If one is willing to talk – any other ought to be willing to listen, it’s powerful (under-rated, in my opinion; in listening, you learn and help, even if you are without a solution). What do I know about myself? *I enjoy intimacy (being close & trusted)*I think a lot about randomness (I make up words, too)*I critique, mostly, when I don’t understand (not necessarily if something is wrong or right)*I enjoy worship and prayer I don’t have any specific goals, that probably makes me sound unproductive, but that is where I am, I’ve realized. Maybe, I have no discipline. Maybe, I am lazy. I just want to feel happy – good about myself, and I am just overwhelmed with being disinterested in school. My transcript proves my dis-interest. Regardless, during this undergraduate experience I’ve met some fantastic people (room-mates, fellow undergrad. students, professors, professional staff, etc.) purely through an unspoken connection. Everything besides classes, that I’ve participated in, has made me feel as if I was making a difference – helping someone. Those experiences made me feel happy-I want that feeling to be consistent. I love to help others, if I can (however, small my part may be) I am a servant, I need to give to others. I feel as though school/classes, right now, are impeding on my ability to feel helpful. As a matter of fact, I feel useless in classes. Anyways, I never really found interest in my classes, even in those that I thought I would enjoy. I feel it’s like church – what good is this discussion/interaction if it’s confined to the walls of a classroom – it’s just here, it’s not doing anything for anyone elsewhere. School is selfish, lol. I never felt as if I was learning anything. I feel like we are in conversation that I never felt was powerful or had the ability to change – I want to make a difference and school isn’t helping me or preparing me to do that. I don’t know how I want to make a difference but I know that I’m not doing it now and that whatever I am being ‘taught’ isn’t helping me to discover that. Things I’m still pondering, and maybe you can too: *Identity: Who am I?* Specifically, I want to…*I am curious about (want to learn…)*My interests have been/are…*My class(es)/pursuit of higher education has helped me in doing???* Major/Minor (nothing of impact-major or minor-in my life)*My love for…*___________ informed my focus [when have I ever been focused, seriously?]* What has where I am/this experience afforded me the opportunity to do? It has opened my eyes to…*What do I want to address (confront/critique/change) in life?* I wish I knew what I wanted…* How can I be helpful?*What are my strengths/weaknesses?*What is my pursuit? You ever feel like you aren’t meeting your own expectations? Mine (expectations) aren’t even defined and I feel unfulfilled and empty. I was born 3 & 1/2 months premature and I still feel that way. I feel like I haven’t developed at all. I have a lot of growing up to do. I need to find some focus. *Where am I trying to go?I don’t know… Just thinking…that’s my ramble for today. I may write some poetry later. I’m working on a piece, “I Remember When I Was Beautiful”….maybe I’ll try to finish that today and post it later. Hoping that all is well with you all!

As always – Stay blessed, a blessing & encouraged!!!


2 thoughts on “Where I am…(Random Ramble)

  1. Hmmm, I love opportunities when I am able to become transparent. In 2009, I lost everything I had. I was sent out by the Lord with absolutely none of my earthly possessions. I did take 1 small suitcase and my bible. Along with my laptop and my cell phone. There was no money, so at times my cell phone could only receive calls not make them. My laptop crashed causing me to lose all of the information I had on it. And then I received a call telling me I would lose everything iin storage if I didn’t pay the bill. I asked myself the question, “How could I pay it if I have no money?” So anyway, I lost it all. I lost my high school diploma, and all of the college credits I had obtained. I lost clothes, underwear, shoes, furniture, ideas, I mean an entire house…”everything.”

    On that day I heard the Lord say to me, “Will you still go on and do my will?” My response, YES!!!

    The personal revelation I had was going to be one to back up the scripture Acts 4:13 ” When they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were UNSCHOOLED, ORDINARY men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” (This is the same scripture that the Lord gave me when he wanted to show me better than him telling me that He was calling me, not man.)

    The revelation was this. The diploma, or those 60 college credits didn’t make me who I was. The house, nor the things in the house didn’t make me who I was going to be. Losing those things didn’t take away my purpose in life, losing them helped to induce my purpose. To allow me to know that before those things I was already who God said I was. He knew what he wanted me to do, and he knew whom he wanted me to be way beforeI entered his creation…my mother’s womb.

    So while, I am not telling anyone to drop out of school because of my walk (I’m not a drop out for those wondering) I am simply saying to remember that it is not those things that make you who you are. All I am saying is that when God calls you stop what you are doing and GO!!! Don’t question him, just do.

    I feel that the reason you may have been feeling so is because everytime you ask God to empty you, that is what is taking place. He is emptying you and filling you with his thoughts his ways his love. He is filling you with what really matters. Everyone will not understand why you feel such a way because you go to blah blah blah university but at the appointed time they will all understand. You just continue to seek God and continue to let him empty you and fill you with him.

    Be encouraged. Be inspired. Be who he created you to be.

    Bella Grace

  2. Thanks so much for being transparent sis!!! I greatly appreciate it and I know that others will as well. It’s so funny because ’empty’ is the RIGHT word. Have you (in general) ever prayed for something, not knowing what you were praying for or not know why you were praying for it and then when you got it…you felt confused or like how did I get myself into this? Or, where did this come from? Prayer is such a powerful place to be and still we feel like we proceed unprepared. Thank you sis. Stay blessed, a blessing & encouraged!!!


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