This is a random spill of my current feelings, I haven’t read it over so it is most likely jumbled but…here it is! Personal Statement but not for any applications…it’s just personal…well it’s public now =) Right now, I have no desire to go to graduate school but writing usually helps me to make sense of my feelings. As a young child, writing was my way of hearing my voice, even as I often remained silent about how I felt. My writing frustrates and encourages me because it isn’t fluid. I love it because it allows me to choose how to express myself – I have a steadily slipping control. My feelings dictate my writing and so its often, never consistent and that makes me feel like I cease to exist, as I am seemingly incapable to feel if I haven’t written it down. Written expression allows me to…What do I write? *my thoughts about scripture*things I don’t understand*poetry (on relationships, God, struggle, etc.) I write to be in conversation with others. Sometimes, I write just to clear my mind but, mostly, I am writing for relationship with others who have and share my feelings. Speaking? I’m not quite sure why, but I feel like writing is more powerful – it’s a way to connect with one’s self and the story of someone else. When someone speaks, another can relate but the person is primarily hearing them. When you read, you connect ideas and relate to the the expression because, perhaps, that’s how you felt but you remained silent about it – reading it makes an awareness of feelings that had possible escaped you in your silence. I don’t write novels or non-fiction or sonnets or in haiku – it’s too much order and structure to that – I write feeling; and what’s more real than that?
I write this blog and I write poetry. Passion? Listening. I want people to be heard, I want their voice to be embraced. Trusting enough to tell isn’t easy and I think If one is willing to talk – any other ought to be willing to listen, it’s powerful (under-rated, in my opinion; in listening, you learn and help, even if you are without a solution). What do I know about myself? *I enjoy intimacy (being close & trusted)*I think a lot about randomness (I make up words, too)*I critique, mostly, when I don’t understand (not necessarily if something is wrong or right)*I enjoy worship and prayer I don’t have any specific goals, that probably makes me sound unproductive, but that is where I am, I’ve realized. Maybe, I have no discipline. Maybe, I am lazy. I just want to feel happy – good about myself, and I am just overwhelmed with being disinterested in school. My transcript proves my dis-interest. Regardless, during this undergraduate experience I’ve met some fantastic people (room-mates, fellow undergrad. students, professors, professional staff, etc.) purely through an unspoken connection. Everything besides classes, that I’ve participated in, has made me feel as if I was making a difference – helping someone. Those experiences made me feel happy-I want that feeling to be consistent. I love to help others, if I can (however, small my part may be) I am a servant, I need to give to others. I feel as though school/classes, right now, are impeding on my ability to feel helpful. As a matter of fact, I feel useless in classes. Anyways, I never really found interest in my classes, even in those that I thought I would enjoy. I feel it’s like church – what good is this discussion/interaction if it’s confined to the walls of a classroom – it’s just here, it’s not doing anything for anyone elsewhere. School is selfish, lol. I never felt as if I was learning anything. I feel like we are in conversation that I never felt was powerful or had the ability to change – I want to make a difference and school isn’t helping me or preparing me to do that. I don’t know how I want to make a difference but I know that I’m not doing it now and that whatever I am being ‘taught’ isn’t helping me to discover that. Things I’m still pondering, and maybe you can too: *Identity: Who am I?* Specifically, I want to…*I am curious about (want to learn…)*My interests have been/are…*My class(es)/pursuit of higher education has helped me in doing???* Major/Minor (nothing of impact-major or minor-in my life)*My love for…*___________ informed my focus [when have I ever been focused, seriously?]* What has where I am/this experience afforded me the opportunity to do? It has opened my eyes to…*What do I want to address (confront/critique/change) in life?* I wish I knew what I wanted…* How can I be helpful?*What are my strengths/weaknesses?*What is my pursuit? You ever feel like you aren’t meeting your own expectations? Mine (expectations) aren’t even defined and I feel unfulfilled and empty. I was born 3 & 1/2 months premature and I still feel that way. I feel like I haven’t developed at all. I have a lot of growing up to do. I need to find some focus. *Where am I trying to go?I don’t know… Just thinking…that’s my ramble for today. I may write some poetry later. I’m working on a piece, “I Remember When I Was Beautiful”….maybe I’ll try to finish that today and post it later. Hoping that all is well with you all!
As always – Stay blessed, a blessing & encouraged!!!